MODERN TRANSLATION of PSALM 23

The TV is my shepherd
I shall not want.
It makes me lie down on a sofa.
It leads me away from faith.
It destroys my soul.
It leads me into the paths of sex and violence
for the sponsor's sake.
Yeah, though I walk in the shadow
of Christian responsibilities, there will be
no interruptions, for the TV is with me.
Its cable and remote control -
they comfort me.
It prepares a commercial before me
in the presence of my worldliness.
It anoints my head with humanism
and consumerism.
My coveting runneth over.
Surely laziness and ignorance
shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house watching
TV forever.
(Unknown)